I started writing another post yesterday afternoon. Hopefully you’ll see that one sooner than later. Since then, I’ve:
Created drafts for three other posts
Switched tabs in Chrome to do work
Switched tabs again to change the music
Tabbed back to this post to keep writing
Opened Instagram on my phone
Looked at my work to-do list
Played a game on my phone
(Repeat x500)
Do I … do I have a problem?
I’ve always thought of distraction as part of my creative process — maybe even part of my “flow state.” Yes, there’s a lot of bouncing around, but it’s controlled chaos. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. If I have a few seconds of downtime while a report runs or a webpage loads, why not use that time to tinker with my fantasy lineups or load up a new chillhop station? If my process were a hurricane, it’d blow into town, look like it was going to destroy everything and eventually just sort of … leave? Hurricane JSG even makes some things better! Instead of destroying a house, it replaces the roof, cleans out the gutters and replants a tree it uprooted from the forest in the front yard, and doesn’t that tree look nice here? And think of the shade it’ll give the living room during the summer! This will save us tons on our AC bill!
What I’m getting at is that my mind might be a little disorganized.
Rather than chalk all of this up to “the creative process” or something, a part of me wonders if there’s something else going on. My wife has ADHD and watching her function on a day-to-day basis is … enlightening, to say the least. We have plenty of similarities in terms of how we think about and approach the world, but when you get into the minutiae? We couldn’t be more different. She needs constant reminding to do things. She suffers from what I’ll call “chore blindness,” meaning a dirty kitchen or bathroom won’t really stand out to her until it’s well beyond the point of needing attention. And her scheduling process for things can be best described as “there is no schedule, I’ll just keep track of everything in my own mind somehow.”
I say all of this not to shame or disparage. I love Andrea dearly! More than essentially anything in the world. The day she entered my life is truly the day things started turning around for me. You guys remember that Jack Nicholson quote from As Good as it Gets where he tells Helen Hunt “You make me want to be a better man?” That’s how I feel about Andrea. There’s just no denying that we couldn’t be more different about how we approach chores and responsibilities.
Could we?
The opening part of this post is slightly exaggerated — 500 times is a LOT of times — but the actions themselves are not. That’s all stuff that has really happened, and keeps happening, as I try to make it through this. It’s the same with work stuff, the same with chores, the same with reading or exercising or video games or even sitting down in one place. I just cannot do it for very long without feeling compelled to do something else. Anything else.
Is some of this the by-product of being a Millennial and the effects of social media/instant gratification on our brains? Probably. Could it be that I just need to meditate more often? Very possible. But even so, it feels like a lot. When I was in the deepest stages of my addiction, I functioned the same way (when I was sober, anyway). I figured recovery would help things get better, especially if it helped quell my anxiety. My anxiety IS mostly gone, but my attention span isn’t better. Nothing really seems to move the needle on it, if I’m honest. Even meditation only works for so long.
Is it possible I also have ADHD? Only one way to find out*!
*Not really, but you know what I mean**.
**I don’t even know what I mean.
Let’s see what our friends at PsychCentral have to say. According to their quiz, I’m supposed to “Simply answer the questions on how you have behaved and felt during the past 6 months.” Tall order to think I remember the last six months, but okay! Looks like I have 20 questions in front of me, almost all of which ask me how often different scenarios happen. For instance:
Shit, dudes. That’s like, literally the impetus behind this post. Looks like I’m in the right place. Most of the questions were pretty straightforward, but I did want to highlight one in particular:
This is EXACTLY how I felt both times I’ve been laid off from jobs. The first time it happened was particularly noticeable. In the immediate aftermath of being told my position was eliminated, I went home and entered non-stop mission mode. I wanted to assess my finances, see what emergency plans were available in case I needed them, reduce unnecessary expenses, polish up my resume, etc. etc. I felt exactly like I was being driven forward and just couldn’t stop to process anything because I needed to make sure I was fine and I needed contingency plans for different timeframes of time away and I needed to navigate the unemployment office for the first time and the entire thing felt as frenetic and uncomfortable as I hope this long run-on sentence does because that’s what my brain was doing the entire time for about a week straight.
Then everything settled and reality hit me while I was driving to the store. And I had to pull over because I was sobbing so uncontrollably I couldn’t see.
I suppose that’s neither here nor there in terms of an ADD/ADHD “diagnosis,” but it was a memorable feeling. Turns out you can only gloss over your emotions for so long before they express themselves. My therapist once told me “If you ever have questions about something, just ask your body. It knows the answer.” I think he’s right.
Anyway, test complete. How’d I do?
Because I’m an insane person, I want you to know the first thing I did wasn’t to think about the implications of the result. No, instead I figured out what percent a 35 out of 58 is. Yeah. Like it’s an actual “grade” on a test. (60%, for those wondering.) I don’t think that explains whether or not I have an attention span issue, but it should convey that something is going on.
And hey, maybe I DO have an attention issue. A 35 is pretty close to the upper boundary for “ADD Likely.” A couple changes from Rarely to Sometimes or Often and I’m probably there. Maybe there’s something to this. I’d sure like to get a second opinion, though.
From an actual doctor, you ask? Of course not, that’s crazy. From another quiz! Take it away, Mental Health America!
This quiz is very similar to the first one, which I suspect means it’ll tell me roughly the same thing. It’s 18 questions long, but the range of responses is five options instead of just four.
Will that make a difference in the results? I’m skeptical, but let’s find out. I suspect this will take no more than four minutes. In case you need a break of roughly that length, feel free to try solving this riddle!
Okay! Did you guys solve the riddle? And are you ready for the test results?
This one is even more clear than the last: it’s likely I have ADHD in some capacity. What’s more, this one breaks it down into categories, telling me I suffer slightly more from Inattention than Impulsivity. Anecdotally, this is definitely true. Attention to detail is pretty hard for me, because details are boring and they make me bored because they’re so boring. (It’s boring, is my point.) So far, these are two pretty good indicators I might have ADHD.
Also, in case you’re curious, adding those scores up gives me a 19/24, or 79%. Getting … better?
Let’s get a final, hopefully definitive opinion on the matter.
Oh yeah, now that’s how you start a test!
This is the first question of the ADHD test from ExceptionalIndividuals.com, and I have to say: thank you, gentle souls. Not one of the other tests asked me my name. It’s like they don’t care about me or my goals here! But this test wants to get to know me. I feel more comfortable already. Let’s get to it.
Having just finished the test, it’s pretty standard stuff — at least within the context of ADHD screening questions. All the old standards are here, like whether I struggle with attention to details, interrupting people, fidgeting, and so forth. What I love is the very end though:
It mentioned up front that this wasn’t a diagnostic tool, but the final question really hammers the point home. Probably the right thing to do, but I’m still amused. I’m gonna say No and see what happens —
Whoa! Lecture Alert! I was just taking the piss, Quiz. Obviously an online screening questionnaire can’t actually diagnose me. I know it’s kind of a meme to assume people actually diagnose themselves this way, but … come on. Do they really? I can’t imagine anyone would really assume a five-minute Google search and test result can replace medical information. Then again, I can’t imagine anyone thinking vaccines cause autism, but I guess we get what we get.
So fine, Quiz. I’ll play your game. I understand you aren’t a doctor. What are my results?
I … what the fuck is happening here? What is this video thumbnail? How is it that I got a 22/54 (a lowly 41%) when the other tests suggested a higher likelihood of ADHD with essentially the same exact questions? What is this video thumbnail?! Is that supposed to be Ryan Gosling? I have so many questions. Most crucially, I assumed this would confirm the first two quiz results. Instead, it sort of refuted them. Now I don’t know what to do!
Well, that’s not really true. What I should do is go get actually medically tested. But from a writing standpoint? I guess there’s not much to do but move on to the next test. I’m not sure if this one taught me much about myself, but if nothing else I can rest assured that I am Kenough.
Oh, and for anyone working on the riddle above:
Have the two fastest people cross the bridge (2 mins.)
Send the fastest one back alone (1 min.)
Send the two slowest people across the bridge (10 mins.)
Send the second-fastest person back alone (2 mins.)
Have the two fastest people cross again (2 mins.)
You’re welcome!