When you were in school, did they ever make you take any sort of career test? They had us do one early in high school, although it wasn’t a very good test: I was able to answer everything so it’d give me the result I wanted. At the time, I wanted to be a sportswriter. More specifically, I wanted to be the next Rick Reilly.
Yeah. I WANTED TO BE THIS GUY. Helps explain why I’m struggling to find myself, huh?
As for the career test, I just spoon-fed it the answers I thought would get me the answer I wanted. Am I comfortable working under deadlines? Hell yes! Do I consider myself a physical laborer? Nope! What’s my favorite subject in school? Math, but I’m gonna pretend it’s English! Hey, look at that: I should consider becoming a writer. How could it have known?!*
*Quick story: We had a friend who took the test with us. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call them “Blurmf.” Blurmf’s results determined that they aligned with a career in modeling — and Blurmf was THRILLED, since that’s how they saw themselves. Until we gently reminded them that, uh, the test can’t SEE you. It’s basing all of this on your test answers. And it thinks those answers are VAIN.
Ultimately, I did not end up becoming the next Rick Reilly. I didn’t even end up becoming a writer, although I did dabble for a bit with the now-defunct Pucks & Recreation. No, instead, I went into corporate finance. It pays the bills, but am I really cut out for it? Does it make me come alive? Is there … anything more I can do?
Assuming “Cactus Grower” is off the table, let’s find something that’s on it. Fortunately, I am spoiled for choice here: career tests are all over the Internet, and they come in countless different forms. I found this list via The Balance Careers, so I’m going to work from the top down and go from there. Surely one of these has to have the answer.
123test.com
123test.com has a career test for me, and it’s A) Quick and B) Free. What could go wrong? Here are the instructions:
It takes five to ten minutes to complete this free career test. You will see fifteen sets of four pictures that show specific work activities. You must choose only one work activity that appeals to you the most and one that appeals to you the least.
Do not choose a work activity based on the status or money associated with it. Do not make your choice based on gender or race. Just imagine yourself performing the task shown and decide if you would like to doing it or not.
If you like doing the activity, click the checkmark on the picture. If you do not like doing the activity, click the X on the picture. You must choose a like and dislike for each set.
Easy enough. Although I’m amused by the fact that it tells me not to choose based on gender or race — as though I’m gonna see a picture of a Chinese woman sitting at a desk and a picture of a white guy bathing in frogs and pick the latter. Granted, I’m not sure what job that would be, exactly, but whatever. You get the point. Let’s get going!
For the record, the test is 15 slides that look like this:
See? And remember: One Check, one X. Some of these are harder than others. Some of them are way funnier than others, too. Get a load of Stockbroker here:
Anyway, 15 slides later and I finished. What say you, test?
Alright! I’ve got an idea about my preferences and it turns out I prefer Artistic and Investigative things most, since they make up 50 percent of my pie chart. Enough foreplay, though: What kind of job should I get?
Huh: Political Scientist. If you’d given me 100 guesses, I don’t think I’d have self-selected that, but this description makes a lot of sense. And besides, I was a PoliSci minor in college, so it clearly interests me. I’ve also been told I’d make a great politician, but I suspect that’s because people think I’m aloof and duplicitous. Thanks, jerks.
But wait, there’s more. In fact, here are the top 10 it gave me, including what I assume is a percent match:
Political Scientist (87%)
Socioligist (81%)
Writer (79%)
Anthropologist (78%)
Landscape Architect (75%)
Architect (73%)
Psychologist (73%)
Recreational Therapist (70%)
Stop-Motion Animator (70%)
Animator (70%)
Well look at that: Writer still made the list! Of course, so did Landscape Architect, so I’m not sure what to make of that. I guess the overarching idea is that I should be doing something creative. I can’t disagree with that. But I’d like at least a second opinion.
Career Onestop
Okay, this seems generic enough to be promising. Career Onestop is a tool created by the US Department of Labor, and it promises to “rate your levels on 40 key workplace skills.” Now that’s the kind of absurdly-detailed shit I’m into! I cannot wait to start.
This is what the test looks like, and I’ve gotta say: I really appreciate the thought that went into this. It’s obviously a standard 1-5 rating scale, but every skill has its own context added so you don’t have to guess what constitutes Beginner or Expert levels. Just look at the range on some of these. Biology ranges from “care for a pet” to “identify a new virus” — any temptation I had to credit myself with even basic skills here is utterly gone. I’m just glad it mentions caring for a pet and not a houseplant. Otherwise, catch me emailing the Department of Labor asking for an “inept” level.
I can already tell what my main issue with this test is going to be, but we’ll come back to that in a moment. For now, it’s testing time! According to the Department of Labor, I am well-suited for …
Math!
I mean, that’s not what it SAYS, but that’s what it implies, right? I would argue all of these in my top 10 lean pretty heavily on math. With the possible exception of No. 7. I am DYING to know how Spa Manager got in the mix. Is it because I said I was one level above caring for pets? It was, wasn’t it?
Now, if you’re anything like me — and God help you if you are — you probably noticed one pretty big drawback to this test: All this guidance is based on practical skills that I already have. It’s all based on current experience; it has nothing to do with what I COULD be best at, it only considers what I’m CURRENTLY best at. Just for funsies, let’s look at my bottom 10:
Who’s to say I wouldn’t make a wonderful Farm and Home Management Educator? Or maybe my true calling was the Clergy. Or maybe Hairstylist. What if I was secretly a kickass hairstylist, just like, the Mozart of hairstylists, and all the modern greats — Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Tennille from Captain and Tennille — lined up for my services, and I just didn’t know it because I’d never tried my hand at it?
What I need is something that splits the difference between these two tests, something that knows what I’m good at but also what I’m naturally inclined toward.
Aww yeah, now we’re talking.
Red Bull Wingfinder
So it turns out the people at Red Bull — yeah, the “gives you wings” people — make a career aptitude test. I’m 100 percent serious when I say that this is a real thing and I could not be more ready to jump into it headfirst. Supporting my addiction recovery by getting to know myself through a career test hosted by an energy drink company is exactly the kind of absurdist-yet-practical content I dreamt of when I started this project.
Okay, I’m ready. I’m in a (mostly) quiet office where I’m not likely to be disturbed. Yes, this is how I’m spending my Memorial Day 2022. No regrets!
The test itself is broken into four sections, which I’ll loosely call:
Interpretation
Categorization
Pattern Recognition
Behavioral Interview
Interpretation greets you with a series of images and asks you to interpret them. I thought about including all the pictures, but here’s my favorite:
Personally, if that’s anything like my workplace, the answer is all of the above. But more than anything, it’s fun to make up scenarios for each of those ideas. Watch:
Gossiping: “Hey Kevin, did you hear the new guy in Logistics lost his penis in a wood chipper accident?”
Collaborating: “Hey Kevin, nice wood chipper! Let me give you a hand loading it up.”
Comforting: “It’s alright, Kevin: at least now you know the wood chipper works.”
Arguing: “For the last time, Kevin, a wood chipper is not a deductible business expense!”
See? Pretty fun!
Categorization involved using the keyboard to sort words and images. Pattern Recognition was basically like any standard aptitude test’s “complete this pattern” thing, both visually and numerically. And the last section puts you in the role of ski team manager and asks you a series of multiple choice questions. But what does it all mean? Well:
I was expecting a little bit more on the career guidance site, but this is useful, too. My top strengths are my independence (nice to see that called a strength somewhere), emotional intelligence, adaptability and relaxed nature. These probably lend themselves more naturally to the Political Science-Sociology-Writing domains instead of the Math-Accounting-More Math ones, though I guess it doesn’t really say that. It DOES tell me that I’m a lot like Mark Matthews, a professional big wave surfer.
But, uh … I’m terrified of water because I nearly drowned when I was a child. So I guess for now let’s stick with Spa Manager.