Test 6: Animals
Time to Follow My Animal Instincts! Namely, My ... Eyesight? Hearing? Subservience to Humans? Not Sure Yet!
As I’m sure you’re all aware, there’s an old concept of “spirit animals” that’s been around forever. Although I’m not sure if it’s considered offensive in modern settings — as much as I dislike casually appropriating cultural customs that aren’t mine, I’m not too fond of assuming “Native” cultures are a monolith, either — I think the principle is pretty straightforward. Namely: Hey, there are a lot of dope animals out there, and I have a shocking amount in common with lots of them!
After all, I’ve been so tired that I felt like hibernating for an entire season like a bear. I’ve done some pretty sly things in my time, just like a fox. I’ve been so loud and drunk at parties that people changed rooms, just like I’m ANY pet bird. Animalistic traits abound in all of us!
My question is simple: Which animal am I MOST like? Or, which is most like me? Or, perhaps most accurately, what will the Internet tell me my spirit animal is based on a quick personality test?
Truth be told, with the first few tests I’ve done for Quiz Pop, I’ve sort of known the answers already. I approached them with an open mind and answered truthfully, but I could place my political leanings and ideal career paths with some degree of accuracy and preference.
Not so much in this case, though. Not only do I have no Earthly idea which animal I’m most like, I don’t really even care what result(s) I get. Again, most animals are COOL. Almost every creature has at least SOME characteristic that’d be amazing to experience, let alone possess. Shit, even starfish can REGENERATE THEIR BODIES ON A CELLULAR LEVEL. (Yes, I know my liver can do that, too. Trust me — I know that better than most. It’s still not a whole limb.) Like Ice Cube, I’m down for whatever. Let’s get started!
Now, it’s probably worth mentioning that I assume none of these tests will be THAT accurate. It’s not like the MBTI or a Stanford-Binet test where there’s some rigor behind it, you know? I’m skeptical I’ll find something that tells me what kind of animal I’d be with any degree of scientific specificity. So when I saw this:
… I figured this had to mean SOMETHING, right? I know the standard for TV news isn’t the highest it’s ever been, but it’s not like they’re trotting out BuzzFeed quizzes on CNN. (At least I pray they aren’t.) Plus, this has sections labeled “Matchmaker” and “Celebrities.” I can’t wait!
The site tells me that there are 50 animal profiles I can get assigned to, and it looks like they belong to five major categories:
Carnivores
Herbivores
Rodents & Insectivores
Birds
Reptiles
That seems decently rigorous! Or at least, it did until I clicked “Take the Test” and saw this:
TEN questions? TEN??? That doesn’t seem like enough questions to really get to know me. Besides, what if a small difference in perceived size is the difference between getting, like, elephant and osprey? Those aren’t super different human sizes, but they are super different animals. Consider me skeptical, Test. But let’s get on with it.
I answered all 10 questions, and thankfully it didn’t even ask me to enter an email address or sign up with my credit card or write down the names of five suspected terrorists I’ve come across in my life or anything. I got taken straight to the results. And my result was: Owl! Ahh, the majestic Owl. So thoughtful. So nocturnal. So sober. Wait, what?
Well I suppose that’s appropriate, given the entire premise of this project and its role in my recovery. A little jarring, perhaps, but not entirely wrong, either. Let’s see what else it has to say:
The owl is the tranquil face of the bird personalities. A creature of great integrity, its quiet demeanor accords it an air of mystery and diffidence, and it is widely recognized as a serene, wise observer of human society.
Ooh yeah! You hear that? An air of mystery and diffidence! Let me just check the definition of diffidence real quick —
Hey! Go fuck yourself, quiz. Or at least that’s what I’d say if I had the confidence. I think what I meant to say was: “Haha, good one, quiz!”
Honestly, that’s not such a bad result, though. The test also tells me that Owls are generally introverted, calm, rational, and generally violence-averse. It also says that we are not prisoners of our sex drives, but “when [it] focuses [its] sharp ardor on its lover, [it] ignites a quite a steamy and animated encounter.” Hoot hoot indeed, baby! And in case you’re curious, the most famous celebrity Owls are:
Nelson Mandela
Oprah
Abraham Lincoln
Hear that? Owls ended American slavery AND South African apartheid … and we still found the time to give out a bitchload of free Pontiacs that actually cost people thousands. We’re pretty amazing.
All of that being said, this quiz felt mostly like it just read my 10 answers back to me. It’s nice to know that owls embody some of these traits, I suppose, but it’s a little like a fortune cookie predicting good fortune. Let’s see if we can find something a little less tautological.
This picture is from a website called “ARealMe.com” Not convinced it’s the most accurate test — there certainly aren’t any references to Dr. Phil posted here, anyway — but I DO want a second opinion. Let’s get to it.
Not a lot of details made available at the outset here, so I have no idea if it’s even possible to validate my Owliness. By my count, this was 20 questions long, and most of them pertained to how I fare in different situations: How quiet I am, how easily embarrassed or triggered I get, how well I sleep, etc. In the end, I was met with this:
Now, it’s worth noting that Butterfly wasn’t an option in the last test, but there does seem to be some overlap with the Owl in the confidence/charisma area. Not a lot else really overlaps, though. Worst of all, I have NO idea if Nelson Mandela is also a Butterfly. I think we need a tiebreaker.
Oh yeah. Now THAT’S the tone I’m looking for.
This quiz, from AllTheTests.com, might be my favorite quiz yet. I’ll explain why as we go, but trust me: the tone set by this first part and its four exclamation points runs allllllllllllllll the way through the quiz. It’s one of the more insane things anyone’s ever dreamed up, IMO. I’m not sure if this will help me get the answers I came looking for, but I can’t leave now.
We start pretty simply here. Questions 1-3 are about where I like to sleep, what I like to drink, and what stimulates me. Although I should point out that this is what Question 2 looks like in its entirety:
So … two options for water, one for milk, and then two without a specific choice. Sorry, tea drinkers! Too bad, java junkies! Sucks for you, boozehounds, boba fiends, wine snobs, juice masters, smoothie makers and soda suckers. NONE OF THOSE MATTER NOW.
Believe it or not, this isn’t even the beginning of the crazy shit. Question 4 asks “What is a good movie to watch?” Okay, I like that it’s not about favorite movies, it’s just sort of a “hey, what’s good?” approach. What are my options?
I’m just gonna give you some space to process that. Ready?
[ ]
Was that enough? I hope so, because we’re not even close to done and already we’ve got this. Funny Farm is a Chevy Chase comedy from 1988 with middling reviews. Mouse Hunt is a children’s comedy starting Nathan Lane where the entire movie is basically a long Looney Tunes cartoon. Rambo is about a war veteran who kills over 300 people across the franchise.
Finding Nemo’s on-screen death count is zero. (Its implied death count, however, is also zero.)
Absurdities aside, are you noticing the other trend here? A LOT of these questions have answers that are basically the same. Are Mouse Hunt and Finding Nemo really THAT different? Now let’s jump ahead to Question 8. And actually, I’ll make this one a poll!
Just … okay, the first one is two contradictory things, but I’ll let it slide since you could in theory do them at different times (catch up on sleep, go for a day hike, call it an early night). But uh … aren’t swimming and working out sort of the same? And aren’t both considered active things? And further, couldn’t chillin’ be essentially the same as the first part? Even further still, how the fuck is this going to determine what kind of animal I am??? I know I’m being overly critical of a random online test, but don’t get the wrong impression: I am delighted by this. I plan to answer all these questions, as ever, as honestly and accurately as possible.
I promise just two more points before I take the test and share my result. First, please consider Question 10:
I love — love love love — that one of the options here is to just capitulate and announce that you’re gay, including the facts that A) It seemingly does nothing to address the bad name they called you and B) You might not even be gay, just that you announce you are. Truly an amazing choice. We also have the excellent Question 18:
Does one of these stand out as … different to you, maybe? Perhaps something that, I dunno, isn’t so much a prize as it is a common food source for certain animals? Note that it also doesn’t specify an amount of hay you’d win. It doesn’t really specify anything about it, actually. The bed? A gigantic, comfy bed. The house? Bigger. The hay? Just hay. I wonder: Did they assume an actual horse might take this test? I can’t rule it out.
Nevertheless, the questions have been posed, and it’s my duty to answer them. And honestly? This might make the most sense of all. I am: A CAT! Hit me with the details, test!
You are self-absorbed and aristocratic though you are cunning and witty and have many good comebacks in store for those who anger you. You are laid-back and enjoy comfortable objects around you!
Honestly, I don’t know how this test got there from my answers (is it because I said I liked a Mercedes Benz better than a minivan? Is it because I think Chevy Chase is annoying and never saw Funny Farm? I bet that’s it) but that mostly tracks. I AM kind of aristocratic and witty. I DO like comfortable objects. Every so often, I knock a random thing on the floor just for fun. I AM CAT.
So there you have it, I guess. Did I learn much about myself today? I guess so, although I think my main takeaway might be that I’m one degree closer to Oprah than I ever thought I’d be. I think the only logical choice is to combine all my results into one. To that end, it gives me great pleasure to announce my spirit animal is the mysterious catterflowl, with the body and tail of a cat, the head of an owl and beautiful, majestic butterfly wings. Nature is beautiful, am I right?